I'm sure you don't know how I feel.
I'm not talking about my readers.
I'm talking about my family.
It's like when you finally have the MOTIVATION to do something right in your life.
But yet you are having troubles financially.
Then when you ask for help from your family, they actually give lots of reasons not to help?
It's okay if it's friends.
Teachers.
Boy/Girlfriend.
But this is my family.
Yet they don't want to help?
They don't even give a fuck about it.
They are always expecting us to do this and that.
They don't even want to give a hand when we want to do this and that.
They are always so full of nonsense.
I know we having financial problems.
But isn't it your responsibility to see to my needs as well?
You want me do this and that, yet you don't even think for me.
I ain't your dog.
Always wanting me to do EVERY SINGLE THING.
I have a life.
I'm human.
Yes.
I find it irritating that you are always nagging at me.
But sometimes I do get happy about it, because I know you care.
Now.
I feel hurt.
I still feel like an outcast at home and in school.
In school, fine so be it.
Outcasted, so be it.
I don't really care.
I know that those few girls and guys will still stay by me.
But at home as well?
So what if I'm the youngest?
It's not like I'm so fucking immature that I can't talk maturely.
I don't think anybody has felt how I did.
Because this kind of hurtful feelings is accumulated indirectly.
And..
To my friends who takes me as a fucking entertainer.
Sorry to say, but I ain't any fucking entertainer.
I talk to you.
Chat with you.
Because we both like to talk to each other.
Not because one side wants the other to entertain the him/her.
If you are bored, don't look for me.
If you are sad, fine, talk to me.
I don't mind being a listening ear.
If you are looking for someone to entertain you, fuck off.
If you are looking for someone to cheer you up, sure, but don't start getting emo on me.
I hate it when people talk to me and say, "I'm bored./I'm sian".
You don't ever see me saying that to one particular person.
UNLESS they say that they are bored/sian.
I don't say that because I don't want to dampen the other person's feelings.
So why don't you not do that to me?
That's exactly the reason why sometimes I don't want to initiate a chat.
Or send multiple messages to remind someone to reply/talk to me.
Because it's irritating.
The other person might be busy.
I don't want him/her to feel I'm talking to him/her just for self-satisfaction/self-entertainment.
It's not something that is nice.
It's something relatively horrible to me.
I hate it!
I despise that!
I would rather rot off by myself.
Then to go find someone to chat with so that he/she can entertain me.
And to think.
Today when I asked someone,"Do you think I'm an entertainer?"
He actually replied," If you're not one, then what are you?"
Am I supposed to feel HAPPY about that?!
Come on!
Entertainers get paid to entertain you.
Entertainers entertain you with no sincerity(for some)
And also.
Please try to read between lines?
Get when I'm serious and when I'm not.
Like I told Jaspy.
When I'm serious, there wouldn't be any emotions or whatever.
Just like how this post is.
When I'm irritated, you will see lots of fuck.
When I'm happy, it's obviously obvious.
Plus, until now, I think there's only one.
One that can sense that I'm sad/angry/irritated no matter how I talk.
Despite me being seemingly happy.
If I'm not wrong, it's Jacky.
I don't really contact him anymore which is a really sad fact.
He is a nice guy.
He can cheer me up.
He can motivate me(sometimes).
I always quarrel with him because of reasons concerning me.
Every time I quarrel with someone, I know.
It's always because I started it.
You think I like it?
No I don't.
Labels: it hurts.
